Today’s reflection comes on the heels of what would have been my 6th anniversary to my now ex-husband. I’m sure the date 10/16/2004 will always be engrained in my memory and at this point in my life, it’s ok if it does. Looking back, I remember thinking that my marriage would never end in divorce. I envisioned that there would be nothing we wouldn’t be able to talk about and resolve through thoughtful compromise. In my head, we’d grow old (gracefully, of course;-)) together and tell stories to the youth about the power of a loving marriage and mentor to other couples that may be struggling in their marriage. But you see that was MY dream…not his.
Ironically, our minister spoke at church this past Sunday about having more than one plan, especially if it’s dependant on someone else, which fueled my inspiration for writing this post. You see what he meant is that sometimes, what you plan or dream for yourself doesn’t always go as you’d hope, simply because it’s tied to another human being. With this thought, I have come to realize that I have an incredibly high tolerance for pain. I always have, probably always will. It takes quite a bit to really get me angry and upset. Whereas I see others, who get mad at the smallest bit of resistance. So just because, I plan for a situation to go smoothly between a colleague or a friend. Doesn’t mean that it always will. B/c, maybe that colleague/friend, has a different disposition than I do. The same applied to your marriage. Maybe your spouse didn’t really plan to see it through to the end, as you thought. Maybe they lied about their plans. Or maybe their plans changed, or they had more than one plan, which suddenly shifted priorities.
So as I write to those who may be in the position I was in, just merely 3 years ago, please try not to beat yourself up when you realized that the dream you had for your marriage did not come to pass. You can not make others cooperate to fulfill the dreams which are your own.
Going forward, I have chosen to dream of things that I can control (with God’s grace). For example, I know how I’d love to look in my gown. And if God continues to give me strength in my body, I can control the other stuff that will make it possible to fit into my perfect gown. (Notice, I said, “My perfect gown!”) I even have an idea of what the wedding will entail. But at this point in my life, the groom in my dreams doesn’t have a face. (At least not a real face, I tend to substitute celebrities from time to time! LOL!!! Hey, who doesn’t??) But truthfully, I want God to fill in that void the next time.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t dream big. But just make sure you have a plan B or C, just in case things don’t go as you planned for your A. It will cushion the blow a little bit. The old adage, never put all your eggs in one basket still rings true. However, the best basket to put your eggs is in God’s hands. Despite the fact that my dreams for my marriage were crushed, I’m still so tremendously blessed because of it. I’ve learned so much (keep reading, there’s more to come!) from it about myself. I’ve been able to minister to so many others who didn’t think they could be delivered from the pain of a divorce. And most importantly, my faith and positivity remains in tact.
Until then, stay positive and learn the lessons that life teaches! They aren’t without reason.
Continued blessings to you,