Knowing When You’re Healed- Part 1

26 Apr

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post for Divorced…But Not by Choice. There have been a number of reasons, the first being when I started this blog it was therapy for me. It was my way to help others, like myself cope and get thru the ugliness of divorce in a positive way. I wanted to show people that God can use the worst of a situation and make great things happen. (Romans 8:28).

Today I’ve come to the realization that I’ve achieved everything that I had set out to do through the creation of this blog. And I’m appreciative of the opportunity to do so. Without a shadow of a doubt, I’m healed from the experience completely.

By now, I’m sure you’re asking how do you know that you’re healed. I’m sure many people may feel differently, but here is how I know that I’m healed.

1. I don’t have any ill feelings toward my former spouse. When divorce was initiated, I was hurt immediately. I couldn’t truly understand why my husband was betraying me. I could name all of the things he’d done to me verbatim and I wanted to cash in on all those things. I wanted him to hurt. I even remember telling my minister that I wasn’t going to be happy until I saw him in pain. His response to me went something like this (paraphrasing) “You’re going to lead a miserable life if your happiness is contingent on someone else’s unhappiness.” You see I was having a Madea moment, I wanted wrath issued on my ex-husband. I wanted to see him hurt and I wanted God to allow me to witness it. In my head, I reenacted the scene from Diary of a Mad Black Woman multiple times, only thing is I let him stay under water a little longer. YES! I was that woman! I wanted to avenge the death of my marriage, hastily and drastically. YES, I admit it!!! I had those feelings too! But the difference was…I NEVER acted on them. I was angry, but who wouldn’t be? If you truly loved your spouse and wanted your marriage to work, divorce is going to pull out pure and raw emotions you never knew were within. And there’s nothing wrong about the emotions that you feel. The key is to not allow the emotions to take over and cause you unnecessary grief in the end.

#2. I’m able to reflect on the lessons learned through my divorce and react positively about them. This was a tough one for me. Because going through my divorce, I wanted nothing more than to be out of it and the emotions that came along with it, as soon as possible. I wanted to believe that I didn’t play any part in the demise of my marriage. Initially, I believed that it was all my ex’s fault. But after seeking God to take over my life and studying his word. I was and am openly honest about my contribution. And because I know what they are and appreciate them, I don’t feel any need to hide them at all. (S/N: I keep hearing a dear friend tell me to write from an honest vein and in this post I couldn’t be more honest) I’m so honest and open about them. I am going to list them. Because I’m so much more aware and diligently working to make sure I don’t repeat those same things. (Stay tuned to the following post, because I’m going to literally list those things that I did to contribute to my marriage. Hopefully, those who are married will read them and make sure not to do those things. And maybe those who are divorced will search deep within themselves to evaluate what their real contributions to their divorce were.) I know everyone of my flaws and I am taking the steps and precautions to ensure that WHEN (optimism at best) I get married again it will be for LIFE!

#3. I can appreciate the good times/memories we shared, laugh and move on. In the past when I used to talk about the good times, my ex and I shared, it used to make me cry. The disappointment I felt was unbearable and I’d rather not even talk about it. I’m sure my closest family and friends used to hate to see me coming (I can laugh about it now). But indeed it had to weigh heavy on them, when they’d mention my ex in a sentence and I’d break down. I couldn’t even look at the photos without tearing up, because I was enwrapped in the past. Not considering what a beautiful future I could still have if I just had the faith to move forward. Today I can speak about my ex spouse in a positive way and share the fun times we had with others. It doesn’t hurt to know that we won’t be able to have those moments together again.

This is just 3 reasons, I know that I’m healed. However, there are more to follow. Be sure to come back tomorrow, when I post the conclusion to “Knowing When You’re Healed”.


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8 responses to “Knowing When You’re Healed- Part 1

  1. dkwalker117

    April 26, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Thanks for sharing….healing is a hard road to ride, but your destination will be 2nd to none as long as God’s your guide.

    • trankins78

      April 27, 2011 at 12:15 am

      Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. And you’re right with God as our guide, there’s no limit to where we’ll end up. Makes me think about the hymn, Jesus Savior, Pilot Me. I want him as the Pilot of all my travels. God bless you:)

  2. Tsakane Mgwevu

    February 15, 2012 at 3:31 am

    reading all of this article i realise that i am not healed at all. I still want to see my ex down and out. I blame him for leaving me and the kids. I closed my heart from men, i dont like them. I need to get healed its been more than 5 years and i am still not happy.

    • trankins78

      February 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm

      I’m saddened to hear that you’re still unhappy after 5 years. But I hope you understand that everyone has their own cycle of healing. My hope is that you will read more of my blog to find out personal tidbits that I shared to help the healing process easier to bear.

      However, I will tell you that if your happiness is contingent on your ex’s life being miserable, you may find that your life may be controlled by him indefinitely. You have to make the decision to be happy regardless of the situation and choose to leave the punishment to God at the judgement. I will pray that you find the peace within to deal with the situation.

      I can tell you first hand that it wasn’t an overnight process for me, considering I witnessed my ex husband’s infidelity with my own eyes. But I realized that the longer I allowed my self to be stagnant, the more control he had over my life, even when we had gone on with his.

      Try looking for reasons to be happy. The sooner you chose to love yourself and free yourself from the pain. The sooner, God will send the right one for you to grow your bliss. But you have to love yourself first. God bless you.

      • Tsakane Mgwevu

        June 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

        Now that I have talked about my feelings I feel free and happy. I have forgiven all its been a long jouney but I was not alone. Thank You Jesus You are my friend forever. I dont have much but I feel like I have all, and I am so loving and I like it. Truly Jesus can take all our burden when we cast them to Him. I feel so so blessed. Halleluya. Thank you all guys…I love you…Tsakane

      • trankins78

        June 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

        I’m glad that my blog has been able to help you. And most importantly, I’m glad that you were blessed with healing from Jesus. May you continue to be blessed forever and always.

  3. Americas Card Site

    August 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Greetings from Ohio! I’m bored to death at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I love the knowledge you provide here and can’t
    wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my mobile .. I’m not even using WIFI, just
    3G .. Anyhow, awesome blog!

    • trankins78

      September 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by and ready my blog. Feel free to come back often:)


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