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5 Reasons I Should Have Known It Wouldn’t Last

I’m honest with myself these days. Going thru a divorce encourages me to make sure that I don’t repeat the same mistakes that I made with my first husband. I ask that you do a personal inventory to assess your contribution to your marital demise. (Hate to say it and it may sting to know that you played a part, no matter how small). Hindsight is always 20/20. But looking back there were key contributors that I myself did that actually may have contributed to my divorce. Disclaimer:* In no way, does this excuse the divorce nor make it acceptable for anyone to cheat. I just hope that you pay attention to certain warning signs.

1. I wasn’t willing to follow. This should be the first sign that you probably shouldn’t be getting married to the man who’s proposed. God instructs the wife to submit to your own husband and know that the husband was the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:22-23). He leads you follow. I wasn’t willing to be lead. Honestly, I didn’t trust that he could lead me in the right direction financially. I trusted that he’d be able to protect me. But if you don’t trust a part of your potential spouse, you definitely shouldn’t be marrying that person. If there’s no trust, there’s a great chance divorce is inevitable.

2. I called everyone but him first. Yeah, sure there will be times that you may want to tell your girlfriend about non-critical events in your life. But it should be a sign that when major events in your life occur, and you rarely, if any, consider contacting your spouse first, something is severely wrong. I know it was for me. It meant that I didn’t regard him enough in my life to share the biggest moments with him. I remember contacting my mother and my girlfriend about most of the stuff that I was going thru. They were my support. But when you marry, you are to cleave to one another. And honestly it wasn’t something that I wanted to do…NEWSFLASH: Here’s your sign!!!

3. We couldn’t hold a conversation for longer than 30 minutes at the time. When you’re planning on spending time with a person for the rest of your life, you kinda need to be able to communicate and enjoy talking to your mate about a variety of things. Sex can only keep your attention so long, before you realize that you have to be in each others presence for long periods of time. And if you’re struggling to make up stuff to talk about, BEFORE you get married. You may want to reconsider taking each others hand, let alone last name.

4. I was a dream crusher. This one is huge. For the most part, I was taught that all men really need is great sex and the remote control. So if you’re not prepared for nor ready to stroke egos…don’t take the plunge just yet. Yes, what Michael Baisden says is true…”Men Cry in the Dark” and some of them out in the open. What I mean is they’re emotional too! Maybe not the extreme of some high maintenance women. But they require a good amount of attention and they need to be stroked to. Here’s my true story: My husband gets a new job. He does pretty well in the first few months of employment and he receives a mini-promotion. I say mini, because it’s not a huge promotion. But it allows him to get a slight pay increase. Nonetheless, he comes home to tell me about it. I say something. I believe it went like this. “That’s good, Baby!”. And I roll over and go to sleep. As he tells me, “My manager says if I keep this up, I could be manager in about a year or so.” I say, “That’s nice, Baby!” all the while thinking…(That’s what all companies tell you to keep you. I hope he doesn’t think he’s special). OK, so I know you’re thinking…Wow, how insensitive. But honestly, it’s the truth. I didn’t think men needed the encouragement and applause for doing what I consider the norm for all of us. Thankfully, I know better. And the next and final man I marry, will appreciate my maturity and new found growth:)

5. We couldn’t travel without an argument. I remember taking several road trips that would end up or begin with an argument. And it wasn’t just after we married, many of these disputes took place before we married. It says a lot when you can’t go 2 or 3 days even in a relaxing setting without it being confrontational….Once again: Here’s your sign!!!

Honestly,I am learning more and more the signs that were there. But like countless others, I refused to acknowledge them. If you notice or feel a particular kind of way about someone you’re about to marry, you should do a full evaluation. It’s easier to overcome a simple break-up, as opposed to a divorce. Take heed to the warning signs that could ultimately cause you more grief than happiness. If you notice some signs, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t marry that person. But instead you should address them first. They may actually be things you can overcome.

Love and kisses,

Tanisha

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Lessons Learned: #5 If You’re Not Willing to Follow, Then You Probably SHOULDN’T Marry Him

I’m certain that this post may rub some females the wrong way. But it’s fine, because I think it’s a topic that needs to be addressed.  When I look back at my marriage, this was one of the first clues that I shouldn’t be marrying him. However, looking back it was a warning sign that I didn’t heed to.

As I study the Bible more and more, I realize that the instructions God created for us, was to make life much easier. In my opinion, the Bible is God’s instructions for a perfect world. We as people, make it imperfect by not following his divine order for our lives. Me??? I’m guilty too, which is the purpose of this blog. I believe in sharing my mistakes, so that if it helps just one person avoid a hurtful situation, then it’s served it’s purpose.

So if you’re a Christian and you believe that the Bible speaks the truth, then you’d understand that God’s instruction for marriage is that the husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). It also instructs the wives to submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). With that being stated, if you’re engaged to a man that you don’t feel is responsible enough to lead you….you more than likely SHOULDN’T be marrying him. Or if you’re not willing to follow your fiance after you marry him, then you SHOULDN’T be marrying him.  

Honestly, I felt this way going into my marriage. I was very independent when I met my now ex-husband. I knew which way I wanted to go and I wasn’t willing to allow him to be the leader in our marriage. Quite frankly, I see a number of marriages whose wives are clearly leading, many who complain of their struggling marriages. And yet many of the men are perfectly suitable and able to rise to the ocassion of leading if their wives would give up the reins.

Before you get upset at me, I didn’t create the instructions. I’m just the messenger, I didn’t write it! Trust me, I’m not saying that husbands don’t have a part to play. But I do believe that you have to trust God when you do as you’re instructed. Going forward in my life, my next spouse….Yes, I said next. Because I believe that there are lessons to be learned in all mistakes and misfortunes in your life. I will be certain that the next man I marry is a lover of God and will love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) and that I am sure that he is worthy of my following him.

In this life, we all have a role to play. And as a wife you need to know what that is and be willing and faithful enough to stay in your lane. Let the man be the man,  and ask God to condition you for any given situation to keep the faith. He knows all and sees all. If you do your part, you’ll still be blessed beyond measure.

Love and blessings,

Tanisha Rankins

 
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Posted by on May 24, 2011 in Lessons Learned!

 

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