Tag Archives: separation

There’s Nothing Embarrassing About Reconciliation

We’ve all heard it, “You never miss your water, until the well runs dry”. And if you’ve ever had something great and that great thing went away, then you certainly know that old adage rings true. So it shouldn’t be a surprise, if your spouse wants to reconcile your marriage up until and even after the divorce has been final. I’ve had several people approach me about it and ask me my take on the reconciliation, hence the reason for this post.

I’d first like to go on record as saying that although I am divorced, I am a huge advocate for the institution of marriage and the importance of a strong family unit. I know that under the right circumstances, it is certainly a great relationship to have. However, I don’t think it’s something to enter into lightly, because it has and always will require a great deal of work to keep it functioning properly. But it shouldn’t be a surprise when I say if reconciliation is offered in sincerity, I believe it should be considered…..OK, before you get upset. I want to say that if abuse, especially physical abuse, is ever a factor, I would frown upon it unless for certain they had gotten professional treatment and was showing favorable behavioral changes. I believe that safety should always be considered first.

But for those cases where abuse wasn’t a factor in the divorce, I whole-heartedly believe that if the two of you are both dedicated to making it work, by all means proceed. Let’s face it, sometimes we actually need that break to wise up and truly re-evaluate what we have and work on overcoming the weaknesses we had, which may have caused the rift in the marriage in the first place. Now, I’ve never been a big proponent of couples living in separate residences when they’re considering a divorce (You’ll have to follow this blog, as I’ll be posting about this on another day). But I’m certain and have witnessed God take people whom I was sure were not meant to be married, re-unite them and it was better than it ever was before.

The one thing I will say is never allow anyone to discourage you from fighting for what you value? Anything you love and care about is more than definitely worth fighting for. The appreciation you have after you win the fight will be so much greater. It’s amazing how we’ll go to the depths to get those material things (the house, the car, the clothes, the career) most of which depreciates over time. And when we fight to keep those things, we don’t feel anyway remorseful about it. So why should one feel that way about a person, a living being, who’s value often can’t be quantified?

Lastly, I know some people will say that once this person has done something, they can’t ever be reformed. I don’t believe that at all. Only because I know of my past transgressions and I’d certainly hate for anyone to refer to me from it. I have been made new through Christ and certainly work hard to renew my thoughts daily (Galatians 3:27, Ephesians 4:23). And because I know of my evolution, I don’t have a right to believe that others can’t be renewed too. I try not to interject myself into my friends relationships. Mostly because we all have different levels of tolerance to pain. And what bothers one, may not bother another. So, if a friend of mine had dated a guy that I thought was a jerk in 2000 and they re-unite in 2011, I may think about his tendencies in my mind. And if she asked me about it, I may briefly mention it. But I wouldn’t talk against her getting back involved with that person. Because time truly does have a way of maturing most people. So I’m more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Make no mistake, there’s nothing embarrassing about changing, which is really what reconciliation is all about. But most importantly, I encourage you to reconcile to God, once again and it will definitely provide you with the strength to make the relationship everlasting.

God bless you all.


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Knowing When You’re Healed- Part 1

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post for Divorced…But Not by Choice. There have been a number of reasons, the first being when I started this blog it was therapy for me. It was my way to help others, like myself cope and get thru the ugliness of divorce in a positive way. I wanted to show people that God can use the worst of a situation and make great things happen. (Romans 8:28).

Today I’ve come to the realization that I’ve achieved everything that I had set out to do through the creation of this blog. And I’m appreciative of the opportunity to do so. Without a shadow of a doubt, I’m healed from the experience completely.

By now, I’m sure you’re asking how do you know that you’re healed. I’m sure many people may feel differently, but here is how I know that I’m healed.

1. I don’t have any ill feelings toward my former spouse. When divorce was initiated, I was hurt immediately. I couldn’t truly understand why my husband was betraying me. I could name all of the things he’d done to me verbatim and I wanted to cash in on all those things. I wanted him to hurt. I even remember telling my minister that I wasn’t going to be happy until I saw him in pain. His response to me went something like this (paraphrasing) “You’re going to lead a miserable life if your happiness is contingent on someone else’s unhappiness.” You see I was having a Madea moment, I wanted wrath issued on my ex-husband. I wanted to see him hurt and I wanted God to allow me to witness it. In my head, I reenacted the scene from Diary of a Mad Black Woman multiple times, only thing is I let him stay under water a little longer. YES! I was that woman! I wanted to avenge the death of my marriage, hastily and drastically. YES, I admit it!!! I had those feelings too! But the difference was…I NEVER acted on them. I was angry, but who wouldn’t be? If you truly loved your spouse and wanted your marriage to work, divorce is going to pull out pure and raw emotions you never knew were within. And there’s nothing wrong about the emotions that you feel. The key is to not allow the emotions to take over and cause you unnecessary grief in the end.

#2. I’m able to reflect on the lessons learned through my divorce and react positively about them. This was a tough one for me. Because going through my divorce, I wanted nothing more than to be out of it and the emotions that came along with it, as soon as possible. I wanted to believe that I didn’t play any part in the demise of my marriage. Initially, I believed that it was all my ex’s fault. But after seeking God to take over my life and studying his word. I was and am openly honest about my contribution. And because I know what they are and appreciate them, I don’t feel any need to hide them at all. (S/N: I keep hearing a dear friend tell me to write from an honest vein and in this post I couldn’t be more honest) I’m so honest and open about them. I am going to list them. Because I’m so much more aware and diligently working to make sure I don’t repeat those same things. (Stay tuned to the following post, because I’m going to literally list those things that I did to contribute to my marriage. Hopefully, those who are married will read them and make sure not to do those things. And maybe those who are divorced will search deep within themselves to evaluate what their real contributions to their divorce were.) I know everyone of my flaws and I am taking the steps and precautions to ensure that WHEN (optimism at best) I get married again it will be for LIFE!

#3. I can appreciate the good times/memories we shared, laugh and move on. In the past when I used to talk about the good times, my ex and I shared, it used to make me cry. The disappointment I felt was unbearable and I’d rather not even talk about it. I’m sure my closest family and friends used to hate to see me coming (I can laugh about it now). But indeed it had to weigh heavy on them, when they’d mention my ex in a sentence and I’d break down. I couldn’t even look at the photos without tearing up, because I was enwrapped in the past. Not considering what a beautiful future I could still have if I just had the faith to move forward. Today I can speak about my ex spouse in a positive way and share the fun times we had with others. It doesn’t hurt to know that we won’t be able to have those moments together again.

This is just 3 reasons, I know that I’m healed. However, there are more to follow. Be sure to come back tomorrow, when I post the conclusion to “Knowing When You’re Healed”.


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