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Lessons Learned: #1 – What Happens Here Stays Here

There are so many things that I’ve learned about myself through my divorce. So I thought it appropriate that I start with this huge lesson that I learned. Initially, when you get married most go through the honeymoon phase. This means that you rarely see any flaws in your mates. They can do no wrong. However when that phase wears off and you realize all of their flaws you typically want to vent about them to someone. Ok, so yes everyone needs a place of refuge to blow off steam. It’s natural to want to share all of your spouses “sudden nuisances” with others. [Sidebar: They didn’t just suddenly happen. They were always there, it’s just that you were blinded by “being in love”.] However, you need to consider if it’s even worthy of sharing. Because your closest friends, and especially family don’t forget.

So what are you saying??? I’m saying consider this scenario. You’ve had a horrible day at work and your spouse has forgotten to bring the garbage can from the curb today. As you enter the house, you’re reminded of how you’ve told him in the past about how annoyed you are when he leaves his clothes where he takes them off. Nonetheless, he’s forgotten the complaints and you find his socks on the sofa. Just as you’re about to remove those shoes that have been hurting your feet for hours, you feel the need to release, so you call your mother to vent. When she asks you how you are, you proceed to tell her how much of a slob your spouse is and how he just doesn’t try to do anything to your liking. After going on relentlessly to your mom, you follow it up with a call to your girlfriend. Once you’ve released the last bit of information, you hang up feeling much better since you’ve aired your grievances.

Enters your spouse, who has picked up dinner because he feels that you may have had a long day and he wants to make your evening a little better. You both talk about his leaving his socks out and the garbage can in the driveway. He gives you a valid reason for his not getting the garbage can out of the driveway this morning on his way to work. Not to mention, you realize that he’s really only left his socks out once in the last 90 days, which is great considering it used to be every day. He assures you that it was just an oversight and the two of you make up.

However, just because you’ve put it behind you, doesn’t mean that the people you’ve vented to have. Believe me, they are taking score and more than likely sharing the fact that your spouse is a slob with others. So now, when you go to them again to vent, they’re taking a tally.

See what I mean??? Now that doesn’t apply in any circumstances where you are being abused. If someone is physically hurting or causing you harm, PLEASE GET HELP! Letting others know can definitely save your life. No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.

However, for those not so big issues, try this. Instead of talking to a girlfriend or parent about the matter, talk to one who can really make a difference, God!  Matthew 11:28 – The Savior said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. Ask God for the peace to be able to deal with some of those not so trivial aspects of your marriage. He can make a way out of no way.

Secondly, give yourself time before you tell it to others. Take at least 48 hours before you share your experience with others. I like to think about things now, before reacting. This is something I do now in all avenues of my life. I used to react first and think later. But I’ve had better results since I’ve given myself the time to cool off and rationalize the situations. It’s helped strengthened my friendships tremendously. Somethings aren’t as serious as they seem, once you cool off.

Lastly, consider the blessings that are in your marriage. In my experience, it’s been when I’ve been complacent with the little, that God has blessed me with the larger. Now that wasn’t my intention, it just happened that way.

I understand that you want to share with your girlfriends and mom about many aspects of your life. But ere on the side of caution about your marriage. It’s called private life for a reason. Some things don’t need to be talked about, just given to God. What you think may be helping, could quite often prove toxic.

This is just one of my lessons. Come back each week for more. Not to mention, feel free to share yours.

Many blessings,

Tanisha

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